


Self Doubt

by fobfanpage



Category: Subarashiki Kono Sekai | The World Ends With You
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:02:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 3,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26268442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fobfanpage/pseuds/fobfanpage
Summary: A boy named Joshua becomes closer with his friend Neku over three months. During those three months, Josh starts to experience feelings for Neku that he hasn't experienced before. That soon leads them to become even more close and very good friends with each other. But no relationship is exactly perfect, right? Their ways of connecting change which leads to lots of conflict in their relationship. Self Doubt explores experiencing love for the first time and how wonderful the feeling is, but also experiencing the dark side of love along with lust-driven actions and how it can hurt you and the other person.
Relationships: Kiryu "Joshua" Yoshiya/Sakuraba Neku, Misaki Shiki/Sakuraba Neku
Kudos: 5





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> TW! This work includes self harm and talk of suicide. Please read at your own risk. Thank you!

This isn't your classic love story. This ends in unforgivable actions and becoming distant from a loved one. Trust me, you don't want to go through what I've been through. The grief stays with you like a scar you get from falling out of a tree. You can't take back the past.

I will never forgive myself. Just imagine it, becoming distant from someone you cared about deeply. Someone you instantly bonded with. Someone you felt like you had a connection with that you just don't have with anybody else. Someone you were just so so close with.

Just imagine doing something super unforgivable that makes you become distant from them and start to drift away. You probably don't even want to think about it. Heck even go through it. You would regret it so much. I did it because I was overwhelmed at the time I never and knew how much it would hurt.

Five Years ago I met someone and fell in love with them than hurt them to where we couldn't even talk to each other the same.

This is my story and once again; it isn't your classic love story.


	2. Chapter 2

I had gotten the idea a few months ago. I felt alone. I thought it would be the answer. I thought it would fix everything. I believed it was the only way. But then Neku came into my life. Well he was already in my life but this time, he became a big part of it. 

Neku saved me. I didn’t expect it to be him but it was. Neku was one of those friends that you know but don’t really talk to. I didn’t know him that well at the time, but now that we’ve talked I can probably piece him together perfectly in my mind. 

I’d consider him my best friend. We’ve done things together that we haven’t told our other friends about. We tell each other everything about ourselves. And that’s what led us to becoming good friends. 

But now I’m feeling something in my heart for him, not like a simple crush. It's different. I always wanna be with him. It feels like I can’t go a day without spending time with him. He occupies all my thoughts all the damn time. 

I’m probably falling in love with him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry my chapters are so short! I promise I'll make them longer next time!


	3. Chapter 3

I went over to Neku’s house along with Beat and Rhyme. I still was questioning why I was feeling these things for him. I’ve never felt this for anyone before. It was weird and I hope it doesn’t make things awkward. 

Once we arrived I greeted Shiki and and walked over to Neku’s room. Beat, Rhyme, and Shiki were all watching a movie that they liked. I stood next to his closed door and tried to calm myself down. I took a deep breath and entered the room. 

“Hey.” I said awkwardly. “Hi.” Neku answered way more confidently. “How are you?” I asked. “I’m doing good, you?” “I’m good.” I answered. I sat down next to him and we smiled at each other. All our conversations normally start out like this. We ask each other how we’re doing and then our conversation will trail off into something else, but today it was just quiet. I couldn’t stop looking Neku. He’s just so cute. 

“So whatcha wanna talk abou?” Neku asked. “There’s actually something I want to tell you.” I admitted. “Ok. What is it?” “Neku, I think I’m in love with you. I have romantic feelings for you that I didn’t know where there. I don’t know if you’ll even still want to be friends after this.” I shakily let those words out. 

“Joshua, it's okay. I’m actually kinda flattered that you love me. Don’t worry, you’ll still be my best friend. I’ll never stop talking to you no matter what.” Neku answered. He handled this surprisingly well. “T-thank you.” I quietly said. “Of course.” He softly answered.

He kissed my cheek and gave me a hug. I felt safe, warm, happy, and loved in his arms. Neku is such an amazing friend. I think that’s why I fell in love with him, because of how much he cares about me. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh it's still kind of short. I'll keep trying to make them longer!


	4. Chapter 4

While I was in my room listening to music, I couldn’t stop thinking about Neku. He is just for some reason always on my mind now. It’s a wonderful feeling. I want it to last. You know when something wonderful happens or you’re doing something fun, or when you're in just in an amazing moment and you want to stay forever. That's how it feels. 

I wish I had gotten to know him sooner. He could've helped me earlier, but at least I got to meet him. And I’m thankful for that. I'm glad I got to become closer to Neku. He saved my life. I never actually knew how nice he could be. 

It was a pretty quiet day. Then I finally got to go back to Shiki and Neku's house. Beat and Rhyme came along with me. We had a group conversation once we got there and then I made my way to see Neku. 

We said hello to each other and then we settled down on his bed to watch a movie. As we were watching it we slowly moved closer to each other and ended up cuddling. Neku’s arms are so warm and welcoming. His embrace felt protective and loving. I never want to leave his arms. 

When we finished watching we laid down and just looked into each other’s eyes. I love how Neku always smiles when we do. He has such a cute smile, and his blue eyes make it even better. 

My heart always starts racing when we do this. I begin to hope that this moment never ends. “Seeing the love in your eyes makes me happy.” He said to me. That made me blush a lot. Neku moved closer to me and brushed my hair with his soft fingers. We pressed our foreheads together. 

We stayed like that for a while. Just us taking each other in. I love every moment I spend with him. He’s one of the sweetest people I’ve met. I wish I could stay with him forever. I love him so much. More than anything else. 

Soon came the time when I had to leave. Neku and I shared a long warm hug before I left. And of course, on the way home and the entire night, I thought of him. 


	5. Chapter 5

Today I went for a long walk. Just to refresh. I thought about Neku pretty much the entire time. I thought about all the things he’s said to me and how much joy it releases in me. I thought of everything about him. Back a few months ago he wouldn’t even cross my mind that much. Now he’s all I can think about. I want this to last forever.   


I had invited him over today. He said he’d come around the evening. The reason I invited him over is so we can have some alone time together without our other friends bothering us. I only had an hour to get everything ready. I had a lot of built-up anxiety.   


Finally, it was time. I waited a little bit until I heard the doorbell. I took a deep breath. I opened it and saw Neku standing right there. I awkwardly said hi and invited him in. We sat on my couch and talked a little. Then once the sun went down we went outside and sat by the pool I have. We shared another one of those gazing moments. “Your eyes are really pretty,” I said. “Thank you,” he answered quietly.   


We talked a little more and soon Neku rested his head on my shoulder. He looked up at me and I looked up at him. His hand cupped my cheek and his face moved closer to mine. Soon our lips met.   


Once we pulled away, Neku grabbed my arm and moved back until he was against the wall. I locked both of his hands in mine and we made out. That soon escalated and we ended up in my bed with me on top of him. We started stripping off our clothing. After that, I placed my hand in his soft hair and started kissing his neck. Neku seemed to enjoy it but at the same time, he looked unsure. “Hey if you want me to stop I can.” I made sure to tell him. “No, you can keep going. If it becomes too much I’ll let you know.” He answered.   


I continued to touch him and kiss him. Neku made a lot of noises that sounded like he enjoyed it. A little bit after that he reached his peak. After he did he wanted to stop. I listened and went to lay next to him.   


We both ended up falling asleep. Later I woke up to Neku getting out of bed. “Neku, it's so early what are you doing up?” I asked. “Shiki’s probably super worried about me.” He responded. My eyes started to focus as I spotted the hickey I left on his neck. “Come back to bed, it's too early,” I said as my hand made it's way down his bare chest. I grabbed his arm and pulled him back into the bed. He surprisingly stayed.   


The next morning Neku put his clothes on and kissed me on the forehead to let me know he was going back to see Shiki. 

  



	6. Chapter 6

It was a wonderful day after the events of last night. After it happened all I wanted was to do it again. It was all that occupied my mind. I enjoyed it so much. Today I don’t think I’d be able to wait until the end of the day to see Neku. And when I do see him, if I’ll be able to hold back kissing him or doing anything like that to him. 

I should just enjoy what we did yesterday and move on, but I enjoyed it so goddamn much that I want to do it again so bad. I wish I didn’t feel like this. I just wanna see Neku and have it be normal. Not where the entire time I’m just thinking about his body and how I wanna bang him again. 

Why do I have to think like this? Why can’t I just go on with life and not have this all over my mind? 

Soon came the evening. It was time for me to go see my three friends. 

I casually greeted Shiki and I had a nice small conversation with Beat and Rhyme. Then I walked over to Neku’s room to see him. We looked at each other for a long time. It turned into staring. “So, last night.” He brought up. “Yeah,” I answered. Fuck! Why did he have to bring that up when I show up? 

“It was nice wasn’t it?” He said. “It was. I enjoyed it.” I did enjoy it. A little too much. “Yeah, I did too. I was a little freaked out at first because I’ve never done that before but I liked it.” He responded. It’s good that he liked it. Maybe that could be a sign that he wants to do it again. Well, he might want to. He doesn’t want to as much as I do. It's probably not consuming him like it's consuming me. I wish I could tell what he was thinking so hopefully I won’t feel alone in what I’m thinking. 

But that's not okay. Looking into his thoughts like that. Even if I could I probably wouldn’t. He needs his privacy. Plus why would he think what I’m thinking? He’s perfect, he can’t think about those things.

I sat next to him and we looked at each other. This time it was different. We did gaze into each other's eyes but instead, it was more of this lustful gazing. I’m surprised that Neku would look at me like that. And that didn’t help my thoughts at all. It only made them worse. 


	7. Chapter 7

It lasted a while. Almost a full minute. Whenever we used to do this we looked at each other like we were both in love. Now it's lust-driven. I even knew that even though Neku looks at me like this he doesn’t love me the same way I love him. I wish he did though. I wanted to see what we could’ve become if he did.

Both of us continued to stare at each other. Then I lost control. I pushed him down onto the bed and kissed him.

We ended up doing it again. I asked Neku first and he said he wanted to. This time though we had to be quiet so the others wouldn’t hear us and we’d get in trouble. We still really enjoyed doing it again. 

After that, we rested and talked a little. I ended up falling asleep in Neku’s arms. I woke up a while later in Neku’s bed. He was asleep next to me. He looked so cute. I smiled looking at him. Then I went back to sleep. 

I woke up the next morning and saw Neku sitting at the edge of the bed. “Hey! You’re finally awake!” He said. “Yeah. How long have you been awake?” I asked. “For about an hour.” He answered. “Nice. So, whatcha wanna do?” I said. “Hmmm, let's see what's on tv this morning and if anything is exciting on it.” He suggested. “Yeah, let's try that.” We looked at what was on the tv and we saw that it was playing one of our favorite shows, so we ended up watching that. 

When Neku looked very intrigued by the show, I’d look at him. I used to do this when he wasn’t paying attention but I used to look at him in this loving way. This time I lustfully look at him. Like all I want is his body and to feel it more. I don’t wanna feel this way. 

I tried to pay attention to what was on screen so I wouldn’t think things like that, but the thoughts still haunted me. “Hey Neku, I think I should go home now,” I said hoping that would fix everything. “Oh, ok.” He said sorrowfully. “I’m so sorry but I have to go clean the pool.” I lied. I had cleaned the pool two days ago. “Ok. Well bye, I’ll see you tonight I guess.” He said sounding a little upset. “Bye.”


	8. Chapter 8

Is this still love? Or is it just lust now? I know that with all these thoughts circling my head and the way I look at Neku might suggest a change. I still wanna be in love but now everything we do just seems to be caused by the longing for each other. 

It does make me happy and I enjoy it a lot. I haven’t done this with any other people before but I have done it to myself. I have to say that with another person it feels way better. So at this point, it seems like it just solves everything. No matter what it is it feels like getting into bed with Neku improves my mood and it does for him too. 

What’s weird is that we’re not in a relationship together but we still treat each other like we are. I thought that we’d just have a one-night stand and that would be it, but it turned into sex-driven actions. 

Is what we’re doing casual dating? Maybe not, but our relationship with each other never started like this. To solve things we’d just talk about it and help each other out. That all changed as of a few days ago when we slept together for the first time. 

I hope this doesn’t ruin anything between us. I want to still have a steady relationship with him. I love him so much. I don’t want my desires for his body to get in the way. 

I have to see him again tonight. Hopefully again I don’t do anything without him being okay with it. I know that I’m the one who has to control myself because Neku is too perfect to think about those things, or he’s just good at hiding it. Because I think he does think stuff like that but not as heavy as mine. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm probably gonna post chapter 9 later today. This one seems kinda short so I'll post two today!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry! I thought about posting again yesterday but I got caught up in some personal stuff. Here's chapter 9.

When I got to Neku and Shiki’s house, I tried to have a lengthy conversation with Beat and Rhyme. Soon after I went to Neku’s room. I sat next to him and we had a short conversation. Then we paused and had a gazing session before Neku pushed me down on the bed and we started making out. 

Wow. I thought it would be me. Looks like Neku has a stronger drive than me. I assumed wrong about him. For a long time, we stayed there just feeling each other. We went farther than that and fucked again. 

I thought it would be me who initiated it, but no it was Neku. I’m surprised but not mad. I’m kinda relieved that I’m not the only one who is like this, and I like that we both wanna get it on with whenever we can. It's fun. 

I enjoy it and he also seems to. It improves my mood and makes me happy. I can tell that I’m happier than I was back last month, but now it's the only thing that seems to keep us in communication and together. I still want us to be friends like we were before we slept together. 

It seems possible to start basing our relationship off of communication to help each other, but it seems difficult to get rid of our sexual thoughts and desire for each other. I don’t want it to stay this way but it seems almost impossible to change. I wish it wasn't this way. 


	10. Chapter 10

After we fucked, we rested a little before it was time for me to go. Neku and I kissed before I left the room and went home. I knew that neither of us would have the courage to bring up what was happening and how to try and change it, so all I did was just accept what was gonna happen. 

When I went to lay on my bed and watch tv to rest, I fell asleep from using most of my energy to do Neku. Once I woke up, I went to go eat a small snack before I go to bed. 

* * *

The next week had the same events happen each day. Nice mornings, long afternoons, and sleeping with Neku at the end of each day. It's a nice routine even though all day I’m just looking forward to when I see Neku again. 

It's all that's been on my mind. Neku and his body. He’s a priority. He’s more important than anyone else. Including me. Ever since he saved me from taking my own life, I’ve been attached to him. The one thing I fear is him abandoning me and not talking to me anymore. I try to push that thought away but I know that soon that day will come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this Chapter is super short! Yesterday was pretty stressful and it was hard to put this chapter together.


	11. Chapter 11

Today we all decided to go see a movie. I guessed that sooner or later we’d have to break out of this cycle that we keep going through. We all met up at a coffee shop before heading to the movies. I bought some snacks and then found where our movie was showing. 

Neku sat next to me. I’m not surprised though. Once we got about thirty minutes into the film Neku tried to hold my hand and I felt a little anxious at first but I ended up enjoying it. I love being with Neku. It makes me super happy when I get to spend time with him no matter what we’re doing. Even if we’re just sitting together quietly his presence just makes me so overjoyed. I love him more than I love myself. Hell, I love him more than I could ever love myself. 

After the movie, we went back to my house this time to discuss it. Once about an hour passed, Neku and I went to my room to bang. This time we did for a while, and that leads us to knock out right when we finished. We woke up in the middle of the night and saw Shiki, Beat, and Rhyme all sleeping in the living room. Neku and I decided to go back to bed since we knew where they were. 

The next morning I woke up and got breakfast ready for everyone. After they all ate we said bye to each other before they left. I’d see them again tonight just like I do every day. I spent the majority of the day watching tv and thinking about Neku. I finally thought that as much as we both love sleeping together, we shouldn’t every day. Maybe once a week. I know that I can try and control myself but what about Neku. When we kissed first the first time last month he seemed really into it. He’s what leads us to have sex in the first place. 

I’ll tell him once I see him again tonight. Hopefully, he’ll hear me out and understand. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna take a small break on editing this. Don't worry I'll still write it but I just won't update for a few days. Thank you for understanding. 😊


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!!!

I went over to his place. I sat down on his bed next to him. “Hey Neku, can we talk?” I asked. “Sure.” He answered. “I think that we’re losing communication in our relationship. Whenever we needed to fix things we’d talk. But now we just have sex. It feels like it’ll cure everything even though it doesn’t. It just improves our mood.” I stated. 

“Yeah, I know, but doesn’t it feel good? It's way easier just getting into bed instead of having a long conversation! And if it improves your mood then that’s a good thing.” He argued. “It does improve your mood but it doesn’t fix things.” “Yes, it does!” “No, it doesn’t Neku. All it does is makes us feel good and satisfied!” 

“Josh I don’t wanna fight but I think this is helping you. I mean after we did it for the first time you seemed happy.” He said. “Yeah but that was the first time! The next few times it started to become something in our daily routine. We never talked all we did was just fuck!” I yelled. “Josh just go if you’re wanna fight with me I’m not in the mood,” Neku said, his voice sounding tired. “Ok. I guess I’ll go.” I responded as I left his room and went back home. “Josh, where are you going?” Shiki asked. “Um, Neku and I were both tired so we decided that we should go rest. I lied. “Oh ok. Bye!” She said. “Bye,” I answered. 

I don’t understand why it was so hard for him to process. I mean all I said was that we should try communicating more and have sex less. But he just doesn’t wanna listen. This isn’t how he used to act. He was nicer and more understanding. Now he just wants what he wants. It's not fair. 


	13. Notice

Hey, I figured out that I didn't know where I was going with this story. So I'm sorry but I won't be finishing it. I will tell you how I wanted the ending to go.

Joshua was supposed to have a fight with Neku which lead Josh to lose his temper and hurt Neku. This majorly ruined their friendship. Joshua contemplated his choices a lot and decided that Neku wouldn't be able to forgive him. They both see each other one last time and say goodbye. Neku goes on to tell the others what had happened and why they won't see Josh anymore. 

Thank you for understanding why I didn't feel like continuing this. I will write more and I'll try my best this time to know what I'm doing, thank you. 😊


End file.
